I can't think

: guardianangelz; June 29th, 2010

Current Location:: Japan, Kanagawa-ken

I'm not alone
I wish I was
'Cause then I'd know
I was down because
I couldn't find
a friend around
To love me like
they do right now
They do right now...

Life seems good right now. Not "great" or "awesome", because there are problems. However, those problems don't seem to be enough to overwhelm my mood and make me overly depressed or down or, say, stressed.

I'm dizzy from
the shopping malls
I searched for joy
but I bought it all
It doesn't help
the hunger pains
And the thirst I'd have to drown first
to ever satiate

However, I've recently begun wondering if those good things are just masking a massive stress-fest just waiting to break out and overwhelm me. Usually, at this time of year, I start eating less because of the heat (and the persistent background thought that I need to lose weight, but more because of the heat). My first indication that everything was not as it appeared was that I wasn't losing weight - in fact, I seemed
to be gaining on top of the usual winter fluff I put on, not that I'd weighed myself in half a year.

Something's missing
And I don't know how
to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No, I don't know what it is
At all

Post-graduate career

I'm naturally a めんどくさがりや, which means whenever I get stressed I tend to choose the easier path. In regards to my life after graduation, that means 1) between going to the US and staying in Japan, I'd decide to just stay in Japan, because I'm actually here right now, it's easier to find a job here, and I'm more used to living in Japan than in the States; 2) between going through the Japanese 就職活動 and not, I would choose not to go through it, instead selecting to accept a job offer from a guy that runs a few guesthouses in Tokyo; 3) between just starting work and choosing to go back to school for something I actually want to learn, I would choose less schooling, even though that may mean I don't get to learn about computers the academic way and end up with a job less interesting.

There's a job fair for internationally-inclined students starting ohshit, tomorrow, actually. I'm still on the fence about whether to go, although my startling realization a sentence ago has upped its urgency a bit. It's supposed to be more international-like than a vanilla job-hunting venue for regular Japanese folk, but it's still for jobs with Japanese companies that tend to look for people more Japanese-cultured than not. I don't even know how to write a resume in either culture; I must have missed those classes in Worldly Things 101. I also don't know the correct answers to questions like "What kind of job do you want to do after graduation?" and "Why did you decide to study what you're studying and why did you choose the college you chose?" Between sleeping peacefully at home or setting myself up for failure (and the inevitable stress that follows), I would definitely choose the former. However, the experience of the job forum in itself (even if I fail) could prove useful in some undeterminable future event, except future value is not something I generally take into account when trying to come to a decision.

When autumn comes
it doesn't ask
It just walks in
where it left you last
You never know
when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass
around your summer heart

The course registration mixup this semester

I was taking three classes, decided to drop one because I couldn't follow along with the calculus, much less than macroeconomics; then found out I was signed up for a class that I wasn't taking, and not signed up for a class that I was, so dropped that class I'd not been once to as well, and now I'm only getting one class worth of credits while having paid for three; also, the midterm was anecdotally relatively easy to get a non-failing grade for. This was partially rectified by an awesome professor who let me register for (without attending) one of his courses next semester and receiving whatever grade I get in this class I'm not registered for, but that still means I need to pay for another course next semester, so that one course's worth of credits costs me two course's worth of tuition.

I can't be sure that this state of mind
is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test
for loneliness
For loneliness like this~

Friends and interpersonal relationships

I wouldn't say I have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have are all special people. There's one in particular who takes up such a large portion of my mental... "portfolio," I suppose, like investment portfolios - of friends that I realized losing her, either abruptly because of some problem that arises or at the end of this semester when she leaves Japan, would mean I'd be suddenly incredibly lonely (and I made a semi-conscious decision to work toward "diversifying" that "portfolio" - I really need to get away from economics classes).

I've been meeting a whole slew of new people lately, but they're all exchange students who'll be gone at the end of this semester; because I use socializing with friends as a way of masking stress and depression from myself, I can almost see the inevitable crash that'll come in September.

(The girl sitting next to me is slamming her fingers down into the keys to type. People like her are the reason some keyboards on campus are broken.)

Friends, check
Money, check
A well-slept (check) opposite sex, check
Guitar, check
Microphone, check
Messages waiting for me
when I come home, check

Opposite sex

I've been noticing I've been quite actively searching for a potential relationship partner lately - at least, more actively than usual. When I'm not really into the relationship thing, my being single doesn't bother me that much. Right now, though - as the tech geeks would (not) say, the relationship subroutine is loaded into memory and my relationship status bothers me greatly. I met a girl who I mistakenly believed had feelings for me back, and the third time we met I worked up some courage I didn't know I had and asked her out. Turns out her friendliness was just that - friendliness. So now I'm one potential relationship down... not to mention one potential friend down, too. Pooh.

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries
What do you think it means?
Something's missing...

Violin concert coming up

I have a violin concert less than three weeks from now, that I'm definitely not ready for. While the least stressful-sounding of all my problems, I'm less ready for this year than I've been in preceding years, and it secretly terrifies me.

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iPad

: guardianangelz; May 28th, 2010

Using this journal to whine about my life and pine over an ex is becoming a tired, year-and-a-half-long refrain that should just die a horrible death. I was looking back at my old entries and realized that before I turned into a babbling middle school girl, all I wrote about was technogeek shit. So here's back to my roots.

There's an awesome new-fangled, industry-changing, mind-blowing device called the iPad going on sale tomorrow in Japan. Although basically the form-factor of a large iPod Touch, it's being introduced by media here as a "tablet-shaped computer", and promises to change the face of computing and media consumption almost overnight. One news program lauded the instant-on feature from a completely powered down state: press the button on the right side of the top edge and voila, it turns on immediately! Saves tons of battery power!

The usual tech-dumbness of the media and of the general Japanese public aside, I hear absolutely nothing about the other amazing feature unique to iPads sold in Japan: the 3G+wifi models will be SIM-locked. Contrary to Steve Jobs' proud announcement that the iPads will be SIM-lock free, cellular data-capable iPads in Japan will be tied to the Softbank network. Not only will customers be unable to use Docomo SIMs, they'll be unable to use local microSIMs when traveling overseas - something every single other iPad owner in THE WORLD will be able to do, while they point and laugh at fellow tourists who happen to own Japanese iPads.

Note that I have no intention of ever buying an iPad. I can't think of any significant activity in my life that would benefit from having a dumbed-down computing device that can't display source HTML or won't even show me nearby wifi access points below a certain, twenty-foot-high power threshhold - or, you know, give me the freedom to choose my own 3G provider. This is more a friction with my idealistic worldview, in the sense that I come from the freedom-loving, facial-hair-growing, smugly-superior-no-sense-of-perspective-and-probably-autistic open-source/free-as-in-~~beer~~freedom/Linux crowd and thus believe consumers should be given as broad a choice as possible - directly conflicting with pesky marketing ~~rules~~ ~~myths~~ rules like Decision under conflict (and probably grounds for labeling me a heretic, especially given my college major). Treating customers like they're idiots is incredibly insulting to me, despite the established marketing precept that such is the case. Things like Apple's insistence that customers are better off with limited choices feels incredibly condescending - and the fact that Steve Jobs seems to seriously believe in it, rather than it being a mere company tactic at pulling in more profit, makes it that much scarier. Why is it we can't install third-party applications not on the App Store on our iPhones? Why can we not run background services? If it's really to protect idiot users from themselves, where's the "Advanced User" option in Settings.app that unlocks those features with the implied understanding that the disruption in "user experience" is due to one's own actions, and not something to whine at Apple about? Did they really believe a native Google Voice app would "confuse users because of its similarity to core iPhone functionality"?

The entire SIM infrastructure was originally designed so that cell users can simply take out their SIM card, which has their subscriber ID digitally inscribed in it, and put it in any other SIM-accepting cell phone and just go. Conversely, a cell user can simply take out the SIM for one cellular provider and put another one in and use the same mobile device, saving the money required to buy a whole new device. SIM-locking a cell phone prevents it from accepting a SIM from a carrier other than the provider the device is locked to, thus preventing users from jumping networks (but, thankfully, allowing a user of one SIM-locked phone to jump to another phone SIM-locked to the same network - a practice Softbank and other carriers prevent by noting device IMEIs and refusing warranty services to users whose phones don't match records). One country in the world outright outlaws SIM-locking cellular devices; other countries have laws requiring carriers to provide a facility to unlock phones after a certain period of time, such as the twenty-four months of a tie-in contract; most other countries, such as the United States, have no legal restrictions against SIM-locking phones, and carriers voluntarily provide unlock services, usually after a certain length of time after the purchase of the phone. The Japanese cell phone industry is unique in that all three of its major participants have absolutely no intention of selling SIM-free phones or providing unlocks to its customers; consumers can only buy phones from the carriers, not directly from the manufacturers of the phones. This made sense when subsidizing handsets was all the rage (with storefronts regularly adorned with signs for 1-yen cell phones), but should have become deprecated when Softbank announced that they will stop providing subsidies (and the other two carriers followed suit).

If Softbank were worried that their sub-par network would spur their customers to jump ship and take their shiny iPhones with them, thus robbing SB of the cost of the handset subsidy that they were supposed to recoup by way of the overpriced subscription fees, there is nothing to be lost by offering to unlock users' handsets at the conclusion of the required two-year contract, after which customers will be free to either stay or go, depending on their level of satisfaction with Softbank's service. The fact that they don't offer such a service speaks volumes of their actual concern for their customers. The same goes for the iPads.

Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar~

: guardianangelz; May 11th, 2010

Current Location:: Japan, Kanagawa-ken

"What part of your body do you like the most?"

I was posed this question by a strange creature called a Sam, just the second time we met. She was interested in people's responses to that inquiry, and I promised to mull over mine till the next time we met. That was... oh, two weeks ago?

I'm not very comfortable with my body. Writing that out in tangible form makes me look like the stereotypical woman who relies on fashion magazines to determine the socially acceptable shape of a human body, but I'm not that insecure. No, my ideal male body is less... sculpted and Vesuvian than what popular media likes to portray as the model human form, but it's certainly between that and what I currently inhabit.

I've rarely worked out; I wasn't very sporty growing up, although I did play casual soccer a lot in my elementary and middle school years and I ski-raced in high school. The heavy bag + walking up mountains that I did every day in Yamate meant I burned enough energy just by commuting that, for example, my ribs showed; but even a little physical exertion usually resulted in me sprawled on the sidelines gasping for breath over my predisposition to asthma; cross-country season in gym classes was always a tough time of year for me. Ski-racing was a fairly physical activity (and I've got the head injuries and recurring knee pains to prove it), but being at a school 1) ten seconds from my dormitory 2) with what amounted to a free all-you-can-eat buffet EVERY MEAL (dining hall with cooking staff, and food was paid for in tuition) 3) in the United States, I quickly gained quite an abdominal bulge. While I do like to think that that enabled me to survive relatively cold temperatures in t-shirts while my fellow Japanese shiver in their jackets, slowly losing it over the course of my post-HS days in Japan was a really good feeling. Now, I gain weight every winter and lose weight every summer, although I've also never been able to get under 60kg (132lbs) in four years. It's like there's an invisible threshhold on my scale that won't let it move downwards past 60.

Another thing I'm self-conscious about is my diminutive height. I really, really hate my height. Nothing good EVER comes from being 5'4". There is ABSOLUTELY NO ADVANTAGE to being this low to the ground. The social norm in which a romantic couple is comprised of a taller man and a shorter woman is especially problematic for me, since I tend to be more attracted to Caucasian women than Asian - although that bias in my preference is becoming less and less true. Additionally, heads at higher altitudes traditionally meant older than me, especially when I was younger than I am now, so that even now I have a nagging feeling in the back of my brain that I ought to act subservient to people I have to crank my head upwards to converse with, whether it's actually true or not.

My hair has a mind of its own, and while it's naturally wavy (and I read somewhere once that girls are more attracted to naturally wavy hair than any other type), my recent experiences with my headfur are not very pleasant. I used to like my hair relatively long, but that just resulted in it becoming very poofy and large; I experimented with hair straightening irons but alas, I sweat a lot. Halfway through my year off between HS and uni, I did a complete 180 in preference to shorter hair and experimented with spiking it with gels and sprays before finally settling on hair wax (but still doing battle with my hair, because it has very extreme mood swings) after a friend-recommended trip to a Hair Thingie Place What The Hell Are They Called for the first time ever in my life. So not hair.

My fingers, maybe, because I play the violin (and dabble in piano and guitar) and fingers are a very important part of the violin-playing process; but while my fingers used to be long and slender, they are now short and stocky because I keep cracking my knuckles whenever my hands need something to do. Also, I have a bump on my right index from jamming it on a rebounding basketball a decade ago, and my fingers are all double-jointed, which tends to get in the way of my violin-playing and results in me being very annoyed.

My lower legs and ankles are special in that they are apparently thicker and more muscular than the average lower-leg-and-ankle structure; but it's the same definition of special as usually attached to Olympics, the ~. That and my back, which was commented on by a couple girls in high school as having a somewhat-defined musculature (what the hell kind of school did I go to?), which could both be attributed to the propensity of my school bags to be quite heavy.

What's left? My arms? Not very defined, and currently sporting some amount of fat. Various parts of my face? I don't think my face is very attractive.

My brain? Arr oh eff el.

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ADD 2:25 am: My voice would probably be something to be proud of, if only I have more confidence in my ability to sing - which would surely be boosted by actually possessing an ability to sing.

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Update of my boring life

: guardianangelz; May 10th, 2010

Current Location:: Japan, Kanagawa-ken

I suppose I should write an update. The last two entries were both scrapbook posts, and I'm welcoming a new reader here. Welcome, oh weary traveler of the Internets! Thou shalt facepalm at my complete and utter dorkiness!

School's started again; I lucked out and am only taking three classes, twice a week. One of them is Advanced Macroeconomics, which requires an insane combination of calculus, statistics, theoretical astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and nuclear evolution theory - none of which I've ever taken or been comfortable with. (Also, only the first two are true.) I've downloaded a podcast of an MIT OpenCourseware course on Calculus, but I still don't get any of it. Deciding to start my freshman year in high school with ALGEBRA ONE has definitely come bite me in the ass, just like I knew it would. Oh the woes of having perfect foresight.

In the one anthro class I'm taking this semester to satisfy my knowledge-hungry brain, there's a girl who sits next to me and has struck up what I feel (and hope) will be an amazing friendship. Being a socially awkward kid whose social relationships are populated almost entirely with people who've approached me, rather than I them, this is a Very Good Thing. She's a truly strange creature, at least compared to the kinds of people I tend to have the most contact with - and those people are pretty damn strange, too - but it's a really fun kind of strange, because the things that come out of her are so far out of left field it's like somebody in the stands threw back a foul ball. Unfortunately, because I usually like a little bit of certainty in my social interactions, I never know how to respond to the stuff she says, and, as a result, there's been a marked increase in those "Damn! I should have said this!" moments since we've become friends. Still, the challenge of having to learn to roll with the punches does provide me with an exciting opportunity to further my reflex timing and... thus allow me to grow as an individual. God, I need sleep.

On a rather unrelated note, the shake-vigorously-to-bring-forth-the-undo-menu idea is probably one of Apple's most retarded moments.

I've been looking through my entries here, and I've noticed that my self-publishing style has definitely changed since I started using Twitter. More spontaneous observations and... uncensored views, maybe, abound on my timeline there whereas here I write paragraphs of ununderstandable (is that 'derstandable'?) rambles, usually well past midnight and almost always when I'm sober. Getting a smartphone, with it's ubiquitous access to the Internet and easily-whip-outable nature, has definitely contributed to that, I think. That said, I've become increasingly tired of Apple's shenanigans, that I'm lazily daydreaming about getting a new phone - probably HTC's Desire. Having never used an Android phone in a real-life setting, though, makes me hesitate to just jump off of familiar territory; there are things about my current phone that I like - for example, being able to tether, and the huge userbase that exists behind the iPhone (which translates to a peer support base, similar to the Ubuntu community) which churns out helpfiles and tutorials and useful apps and good hacks and awesome jailbreak software. I have no idea as to the quality of the content in the Android App Market; it may be better, being composed of more useful apps and less fart jokes, or it could be lacking some important features that I didn't even know I couldn't live without, because you never know what you need until you've lost it or some equally butchered paraphrase of a famous Taoist quote.

That's going to have to happen after I get a DSLR, though; I've really, really wanted one since a friend of mine got one, and I've been looking around at some good, awesome-priced models that seem decent enough. Canon 500D or Nikon D3000, oh which should I choose?

I downloaded Firefly and put them on my phone the other day; it's been, what, five years since the last time I watched it? It's still as awesome as ever; too bad we couldn't keep following our favorite characters after WASH DIES. River is hot.

I finally got convinced to try out contact lenses by a friend half a year ago, and after the three-month-or-so trial period (which I cleverly, and perhaps unhealthily, padded out to six months) I finally settled on the contacts that I liked the most out of the numerous kinds in the trial bag. Funny story: I picked the cheaper group of contacts when I was getting the introductory briefing, because I'm cheap like that, and they threw in a pair from one of the expensive groups. I'd forgotten which ones were that expensive kind until I came back and pointed at the ones I'd decided to get - I cursed a silent internal "Damn!". But that just means I have to work more... after I find me a job I'd get accepted to so that I can quit that godawful convenience store job that underpays about 40% in proportion to the work they make us do. At least now I can finally really wear sunglasses without being blind; I'm happy. On a related note, I need to find a good pair of sunglasses. Being a complete fashion idiot does, I've recently discovered, have its disadvantages.

Apple Japan are accepting preorders for iPads starting today. And good night.

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TED talk on morality

: guardianangelz; April 6th, 2010

"What would happen if I showed up at a physics conference and said, "String theory is bogus. It doesn't resonate with me, it's not how I choose to view the universe at the smallest scale. I'm not a fan"? Well, nothing would happen, because I'm not a physicist. I don't understand string theory. I'm the Ted Bundy of string theory. I wouldn't want to belong to any string theory club that would have me as a member.

"But this is just the point. Whenever we are talking about facts, certain opinions must be excluded. That is what it is to have a domain of expertise. That is what it is for knowledge to count. How have we convinced ourselves that in the moral sphere there is no such thing as moral expertise? Or moral talent, or moral genius, even? How have we convinced ourselves that every opinion has to count? How have we convinced ourselves that every culture has a point of view on these subjects worth considering? Does the Taliban have a point of view on physics that is worth considering? No. How is their ignorance any less obvious on the subject of human well-being?"

Elaborate spam on a whole new level

: guardianangelz; March 13th, 2010

Dear Friend

My name is Sgt,Amy Robinson. I am an American soldier with Swiss background,
serving in the military with the army 3rd infantry division.With a very
desperate need for assistance, I have summed up courage to contact you. I found
your contact particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your kind
assistance to move the sum of ( $ 3.2 million u.s.dollars )three million, two
hundred united states dollars to you, as far as I can be assured that my share
will be safe in your care until I complete my service here, this is no stolen
money, and there are no danger involved. I am presently in a hospital
recovering from injuries sustained in a suicide bomb attack.

Source of money:
Some money in various currencies was discovered in barrels at a farmhouse near
one of Saddam's old palaces in Tikrit-Iraq during a rescue operation, and
it was agreed by staff Sgt Kenneth buff and I that some part of this money be
shared among both of us before informing anybody about it since both of us saw
the money first. This was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? No
compensation can make up for the risk we have taken with our lives in this hell
hole. Of which my brother in-law was killed by a road side bomb last week.
Please view website for confirmation;
http://www.voanews.com/burmese/archive/2003-04/a-2003-04-20-1-1.cfm

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money
became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working here and
his office enjoy some immunity, I was able to move the money to a security
company in bangkok thailand as a diplomatic baggage. They are now waiting for
us to provide the name of beneficiary who they will transfer the funds to. The
reason i want you to claim the funds on my behalf is that as a soldier, i
cannot present a concrete evidence on how i made such a big amount of money
down here. Besides the US Government is trying their best to keep their eyes on
soldiers here inorder to effect a high level of discipline among us.The moment i
am sure that you are willing to assist me, i will give you the information of
the security company and the security code of the baggage.I want
you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you
will give to me.

One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with
anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please
destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for us
soldiers here in Iraq. I do not know how long we will remain here, and i have
been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace
of God, this and other reasons i will mention later has prompted me to reach
out for help, i honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please
contact me as soon aspossible, my only way of communication is email.

Yours in Service.

SERGEANT Amy Robinson Camp MXP-512 Third Infantry Division Unit(T.I.D.U),
Abul Uruj,bagdad,iraq.

These are the things I got from my last relationship.

: guardianangelz; August 6th, 2009

The Japanese have a word for the mode of breaking up in which one partner in a relationship stops agreeing to hang out, stops replying to emails, stops answering calls; probably because he (or she) is too much of a wuss to simply come around and break up. Like most Japanese words, it's a combination of two more specific words brought together to mean something new: 自然, natural, and 消滅, to vanish or extinguish; like most Japanese words, it's broad-meaning enough that it's also probably borrowed from the science textbook section on the physics of fire. The fact, though, that there is a word for it, and that the word is either specific enough or oft-used enough that invoking it in a sentence is enough to successfully convey the correct meaning in a conversation, is perhaps evidence enough that said mode of breaking up is probably more prevalent in Japan than in, say, 'the West'; for example, with my more West-centric cultural influence when compared to a Japanese influence (especially in matters of romance), it never occurred to me, prior to my experiencing it first-hand and then finding out about the above word, that naturally extinguishing is a valid way of ending a romantic relationship. Cultural norms and presumptions are so very much more important in cross-cultural relationships (both romantic and otherwise) than I'd previously imagined.

In addition, what I found interesting was that on the Internet, my modus operandi of all manner of research, most of the people who were dumped by natural extinguishing were females, and their evil ex-partners were males; perhaps not entirely unrelated is the fact that in Japanese society, the males generally tend to be the more immature gender. Also of note is that almost all the people who were dumped in that manner seemed to either want, or understand that they want, to get back in the relationship where it left off; it seems to be an almost medical symptom to that ailment.

-----

In Schrödinger's famous thought experiment, a cat is placed in a box with a radioactive substance that, according to the laws of radiation decay, either causes a capsule of poison to break and kill the cat, or doesn't cause the capsule of poison to break. According to one interpretation of quantum mechanics, the cat is both dead and alive at the same time in the same space until the state of superposition collapses upon quantum measurement – in the case of Schrödinger's cat, direct observation. Other interpretations posit the existence of multiple universes, one for each possible outcome or decision; such that in each resulting universe, one of the resulting possibilities has occurred.

If the latter interpretation is true, its significance to real life is staggering. Whenever one has to make a decision or there are possible outcomes to an event or situation, the "road not taken" has been taken by the same entity in another universe. This entity is not any more real or any less real than the same entity in the first universe or the same entity in any of the other universes where different outcomes have occurred. Whenever one wonders if one "should have chosen differently," one only has to visit the corresponding multiverse – provided that a multiverse-traversing device has been invented and a method of visiting parallel timelines without contaminating it is devised.

In the absence of such plot devices, however, whether one "should have chosen differently" is a very valid question to ask. Throughout the spring break, I had been trying to decide if I should give my now-ex another chance at being an active participant in our relationship, or conclude that she either is not ready or doesn't deserve another chance and call it over. My friends were for the latter, and provided arguments against; the part of me ruled by emotional judgment was for the former, and since it was winning over the logical part of me that kept rationally telling me that she didn't deserve a ~~second~~ 359140265th chance, by definition I was for the former. When school started and we walked past each other on the stairs in the classroom building after lunch, I quite pointedly walked past her while she attempted a half-wave at me; it sealed my decision.

However, I can't help but wonder: if I had actually given her another chance (provided she actually would want another chance), would things have been different? She was going through difficulties in her family life while we were dating - a five-year-long problem was coming to a head at the end of January and I had promised to give her time, even though she couldn't promise me she'd come back after everything was resolved - and hopefully everything was going to be better once spring break, and then the next school semester, started. My friends, the pillars of logic and common sense in the middle of my emotional duress, argued that whatever she was going through was not excuse enough for her to treat me the way she did, in response to my silly hopeful (emotionally fueled) notions that everything she put me through was excused by her family problems and everything would get better come the next semester. In the end I knew they were right, in part because of her lack of communication regarding how the situation at the end of January turned out - something I felt she owed me after all she put me through in the final weeks of our relationship, whether or not she intended to come back. Still, not knowing the outcome to that second possibility provides endless ~~fun~~ stress, self-deprecation and depression, some of which my friends in real life and on Facebook have been splashed by, like a car driving by a bystander through a big puddle in the rain.

-----

My friend says I've been traumatized; that the reason for my rather new, rather negative views on romance and love, as well as my inability to work up the courage to reveal my feelings to a new romantic interest (and the reason I now wear my claddagh ring heart facing in), is that my idea of love and romance has been thoroughly twisted and hurt by my ex's antics. During the last month of our relationship, I got so stressed that I would engage in mildly self-destructive activities like binge-drinking, cutting, and walking down the center of streets (albeit single-lane single-direction streets, at night); I was hoping time would cure me of the stress and the emotionally hopeful wonderings and finally allow me to move on. Having failed that, I was hoping that writing her a letter and ~~handing it to her~~ throwing it on the desk by her, in which I would write everything I would have said had I had the opportunity to yell at her (yelling being what my friend says would help me start moving on), would finally allow me to move on. Having failed that, I'm out of ideas.

As this semester drew to a close with no development in the situation (other than noticing that she's started to go to greater lengths to deliberately avoid me), I started again to seriously entertain the idea of trying to contact her again and see what happens from there. Either of the following outcomes is a good result: one, she does want another chance, and will make the best of it, and we become a happy couple; or two, I get the opportunity to really yell at her and get everything out and finally start the process of getting over her. The third, and most likely, outcome is that she again doesn't reply to my emails or pick up my calls, leaving me unable to exercise either of the above results; such fails to qualify as a good outcome.

-----

In previous {weeks, journal entries, Facebook updates, discussions, private outpouring of personal feelings}, I usually said that I got nothing from my relationship with my ex other than the negative (like stress, or an alcohol issue or an embarrassing incident involving alcohol, or extra scars on my wrist). Now I know I was wrong.

These are the things I got from my last relationship.

-----

ADD 04:37 JST: There's one more thing. I've realized that I jump into relationships way too enthusiastically way too fast, which contributed to the heavy fall I experienced when my last relationship ended. As such, I've decided that I'll try not to become as emotionally invested as early in any subsequent relationships I'll have, and most of the pre-dating dance I've been doing with the aforementioned new romantic interest is a mental backtracking every time I remind myself that I'm getting too emotionally invested or emotionally attached or emotionally involved. That may be another reason I've not been able to go the final step and ask her out - that if I'm going to use my next relationship (with anyone) as a testing/experiment phase to calibrate how much I should let myself get invested in it, it'll end up being merely a rebound, however much I try not to make it one.

(no subject)

: guardianangelz; June 4th, 2009

Current Location:: Japan, Kanagawa-ken

What makes rebound relationships an effective way of rebounding? Is it the act of hooking up with a person you don't especially have feelings for, as a sort of twisted revenge or universal karma/balance thing against the opposite sex? Or is it just the fact that having feelings for somebody new helps keep your mind off the person you're trying to get over, which eventually helps start the healing process?

I used to believe it was the former, which was why I was against rebound relationships and why I had decided I was going to get over Elizabeth using more... conventional means. But there's a girl, and she's made me feel happier than I have in the entire past half-year. Now, true to my doubting and insanely-cautious nature, I don't actually know she likes me. It may just be she's just a generally physical, touchy-feely person with anybody, and the hugs and hand-through-my-elbow-on-my-arm are merely friendly gestures, along with getting ice cream and promising to hang out on a regular basis. So not being officially in a relationship, I shouldn't be feeling the mystical "rebound" effect. Yet, I do. This potentially has the effect of requiring a revision of my definition of "the Rebound".

At least, that's what I thought. I saw Elizabeth in the computer lab today at lunch, when I walked in to print out class notes and guitar tablature. I was conpletely fine with it, and I privately crowed my success at finally starting to get over her. Then after spending the afternoon with friends and on my way home, I saw her in the cafeteria, decidedly not busy after school like she had been practically all last semester. Just as she was finally off my mind, she was right back on it and I was right back where I'd started.

It's been four months since the end of January, when she last sent me an email. That was practically when our relationship ended, and for all intents and purposes the last time "I felt happy" was "half a year ago". That she still has this effect on me pisses me off to no end.

I just walked into a McDonalds. The way I keep running into a McD's every time I feel down, I better get ready to get used to being five pounds heavier within the next six months. On the other hand, there's a guy using the tablet PC I want to get like a regular computer. He even has a wired mouse. I should call myself the Tablet PC police and confiscate it.

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(no subject)

: guardianangelz; May 22nd, 2009

Current Location:: Japan, T

The one thing I wanted to say to her. I decided not to wait for her to come talk to me, considering the subject matter of what I wanted to say to her. Guess what? No reply.

I guess she doesn't have anything to say to me.

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さだまさし　私は犬になりたい

: guardianangelz; May 17th, 2009

C       G            Am  D
安いお弁当選んで買ってみても490円
   F     G7   C   G7
でもみそ汁つかない
C            G         Am   D
ホワイト学割は学生も家族も基本料は490円
   F     G7   C   C7
でもみそ汁つかない

F    G     C  G
つぎになれるなら
F    G      C
私は犬になりたい
F    G  C G Am
私は犬になりたい
FDm    G   C
雑種でもいい
F G C
490円

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I can't think

of a good title.